The Minister for Borders and International Football

I was watching Question Time the other week (19th November with a fairly strong panel consisting of my parents’ MP Chris Grayling and my former boss Clare Short, alongside Sir Menzies Campbell, broadcaster Nick Ferrari and Government Minister, Phil Woolas) and whilst I enjoyed the programme, there was something that wouldn’t stop bugging me for the entire duration of the show.

Phil Woolas, the Minister for Borders and Immigration reminded me of someone but I couldn’t quite put my finger on who it was. But then it came to me – one time England Manager and everyone’s favourite turnip, Graham Taylor. And this got me thinking; has anyone ever seen Phil Woolas and Graham Taylor in the same room? No? I didn’t think so. They sound remarkably similar. They look remarkably similar. And judging by Exhibit A (the photograph at the top of this blog), they even have similar taste in ties.

I would implore you to view Exhibits B and C, below for further evidence:

I rest my case. Could it be that Phil Woolas and Graham Taylor are in fact the same person? Or perhaps they once met at a political reception or fundraising event of some description and ended up swapping places and stepping into each other’s lives, like a particularly bad American B-Movie. I mean, it would certainly explain a thing or two.

Perhaps it was Phil Woolas, a man not known for his football knowledge (he’s a Man U fan after all), who was picking Carlton “Bambi” Palmer to play for England for so long, leading to our failure to quality for USA ’94. And maybe it has been Graham Taylor, a man not known for his stance on immigration (unlike Ron Atkinson), who has presided over a deeply inefficient and cruel immigration system over the last year or so.

When Capello’s stint as England Manager comes to an end, hopefully following a World Cup victory in 2010, a new position could be created whereby Mr Woolas-Taylor serves as the Minister for Borders and International Football. The role would involve the amalgamation of the portfolio of Minister for Borders and Immigration with that of the Manager of the English international football team. A more balanced immigration policy in top flight football would certainly benefit the international team and the reputation of English football abroad.

Reduced immigration into the Premier League (by introducing a limit on the number of foreign players that teams can name in their squads, for example) would enable young English players to gain match experience and grow in confidence and ability, therefore improving the future prospects of the England team.

It is also the case that tougher controls on the hooligan element that still lurks within certain sections of the England supporters’ network could help to contain the threat of violence that has all too often been exported abroad, undermining the reputation of English football on the world stage and doubtlessly harming our bids for major tournaments over the last few years.

And why not amend the Points Based System for entrance to the UK to take account of the footballing ability of potential immigrants? Because, let’s face it - that would be as good a system as the one we currently have, where people are allowed to remain in the UK for several years without receiving a decision on their cases. They are left in limbo and build lives and families, only to be told 5 or 6 or more years later that they have no right to be here and can expect to be forcibly removed to countries that are often not safe.

So there you have it – my proposal for the future of immigration policy and football. Don’t you worry about it.